At the Close of Summer

I have thought so many times that I need to post. Over and over I hear things the kids say and do, knowing it needs to be recorded but so much is omitted from my journaling.
Well we bought a house:

Not very big or showy but it's our house and we love it. We have a fenced yard, a garage, a garden, and enough room to run around. I went to see my grandparents in California and they are my garden inspiration. My grandpa is a retired dentist and an engineer extraordinaire, my plan is to one day replicate his amazing gardening at my house. Here is where I have started:

Since the photo, the ground cover has grown, my little white crate herb garden is growing and it looks better. But then taking another picture is a tiny bit too much effort at this point, I think you can get the idea. Thanks Grandpa Dee for the advice and inspiration, I still want to build those grow boxes!

We went on a trip to California for a family reunion:

So fun to see the next generation playing together. The family just keeps growing.
Kayla is going in to first grade this year, FIRST grade! Can I even handle it, hardly. When I sent her away to Kindergarten it was exciting as I waved goodbye knowing I would see her again in a couple of hours. But first grade? I mean, what if she doesn't know where to sit at lunch? And what if she sits by herself because she can't find any friends? And then after lunch, what if she forgets where her classroom is? I really wish I could just go with her so she can ask ME all the questions and I can say "Hey, she looks like a nice kid, lets go say hi and I will help you make friends". I will sit with her at lunch, she can tell ME how she feels, she can tell ME her secrets, and she can tell ME about her fears. But I have to let go, with a lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes, I have to let go. I have to let her make mistakes, feel embarrassed, make friends, lose friends, get hurt, and sometimes even play alone. My only hope is that she continues to tell me everything and that we will stay best friends forever.

Oh Brody, here is the thing. You were made with an angelic little face, bright blue eyes and a cute little bod for one reason only: SURVIVAL. Otherwise we don't know what we'd do with you. He is Mr. Mischief. Climbs on top of the TV stand to unplug things, flushed Daddy's smart phone down the toilet, flushes everything he can get ahold of down the toilet, jumps off furniture without fear, wrestles relentlessly with McKay, takes off his diaper to poo on the living room floor, escapes and runs straight to the street. There was a time when I thought Kayla was high energy but I think Brody trumps anything I have ever seen. It's safer to keep him strapped in to a stroller or corralled in to a place where he can safely run around (like a padded room!) But his kisses, smiles, and the way he is a momma's boy, my life would not be as rich without him.

McKay likes mischief just as much as any other two year old but he has this really unique quality about him. He is so empathetic. Every time one of his siblings begins to cry, he pats them on the head, snuggles them and gives kisses. He is always concerned when someone is upset and loves peace. He is a cuddler and has a way of just melting right in to you. We found out recently that he also loves animals! We took the kids to the fair and in the petting zoo he ran from animal to animal just hugging them and petting them, grin from ear to ear. I don't think I have ever seen him get so excited about anything. Needless to say, we are entertaining the thought of getting a small goat. He would be in heaven.

As for us, Sean is in the Social Work Program at a University pretty close to where we live. He is working really hard and succeeding. He will be moving on to a Masters as soon as he is finished with his undergrad. He stays home with the kids while I work full time and we manage to work our schedules such that one of us is always with them. And I say he works hard in school but he works even harder being home with them. Twin toddlers is exponential child rearing and when you add a 6 year old that really needs our attention as well, it's all he can do just to survive and collapse at the end of the day. We spent some time in a neighboring mountain city for our 8th anniversary and it was fabulous. We stayed in a beautiful resort and cruised the town late at night NOT stressed about tired kids. We felt like we were dating again! Life is so busy and often exhausting but great. I love my job as a RN supervisor which has given me ample opportunity for growth. The summer seemed to fly by and there were so many things I wanted to do and didn't but we had a great time together. Trips, evening walks and lots of outdoor play kept us busy and active.

A Kite

So I forgot to add in my last post, one of the greatest parts of mother's day:
Kayla woke up at 6 AM and Sean got up with her only to turn on a show and fall asleep on the living room floor (we were up with bad allergies all night). At about 10:30, kayla opened my door "Mom, I brought you breakfast in bed" with a huge toothless grin. "Oh my gosh, thank you Kayla!" As she got closer, I could see it was a peanut butter and jelly toaster waffle sandwich. I took it and when I went to pick up the sandwich, the waffles were still frozen! "Mom, Dad couldn't help use the toaster and so it's still cold, I hope you don't mind." Huge hug and more thank you's. By far, the best breakfast in bed EVER.

We took the kids to fly kites last night because the weather was just right. It got cold (it's been in the 80s and suddenly there was a cold wind that came through). The boys loved the kite. McKay was terrified at first and really worried about this weird looking winged woman on a string in the sky (go figure). After he realized what was going on, he wanted to fly the kite, and, as you can see, so did Brody. They managed to fly it a bit and watched us fly it mostly. Love having fun with these kids!

On Being a Mother

My mom asked me for one Mother's Day present: To post a blog describing my feelings on being a mother. Well, I feel like I am supposed to take a freight train sized load of jumbled up feelings and place them neatly in to the back seat of a sudan. But I am up for the challenge.

You may or may not have noticed that my photos have gone from edited, great lighting, toned up hues to straight snapshots via phone and calling it good. Well, this is indicative of my current priorities. My first priority is my family: love, nurture, parent, play, spend time in the outdoors, teach, tickle, laugh, and take a million photos a minute in my mind, hoping to somehow freeze these moments. I use my phone to take photos because I have it on my most of the time for that very reason, to capture as many moments as possible. I have come to discover that I can relish the memories created by photos, even when the catch light is not perfect, eyelashes don't look like tiny perfectly focused daggers, and they have not been through Adobe Lightroom.

I think motherhood is a unique experience for everyone. I found it difficult when I went back to work when Kayla was a baby but I have since learned that instead of stewing over the fact that I can't be with my kids 24/7 I choose to embace my own unique experience. When I look at my kids my heart smiles (excluding the moments when you want to escape the madness). I love my kids more than I ever thought I could love anyone. When I am away from them, I talk about them, think about them, tell patients about them, tell coworkers about them, I just can't help it. I feel that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with a task far too important. I sometimes wonder if I can carry out the task of bringing up my children in a world where evil and hate is far too prominent. How can I teach them to love? How can I teach them not to judge? How can I teach them to become confident adults? Unfortunately, they do not come with instruction manuals and I am again left guessing if what I am doing is enough. I love them, listen to them, and attempt to teach them. However, I am seeing more and more each day that my children are teaching me far more than I could have dreamed of teaching them. I love motherhood.

Greater frustration I will never know. But greater love I could never have imagined.

This girl is hilarious. Seriously.
You know how I used to post tons of funny things that Kayla says? I have another one.... or two

Kayla: "Mom are you going to have any more babies?"
"I don't really know"
Kayla: "Well I hope you get pregnant and you have Quaplets!"
"How many is quaplets?"
Kayla: "A lot"


After a birthday party Kayla had a huge jaw breaker.
Kayla (holding up the jaw breaker): "what IS this??"
"Oh it's a jawbreaker"
Kayla: "Um, what?"
"They call it that because it's stronger than teeth."
Kayla: "Sweet, I love this 'jawwrecker'"
"Should we see if it breaks on the cement"
Kayla: "YEAH!"
Kayla (the rest of the day): "Oh man, that was the coolest 'jawwrecker' EVER, I love jawwreckers! Hey everyone, we broke a jawwrecker on the cement, it was AWESOME"

Twin Toddlers: Logistically Impossible

Have you wondered why my photos aren't looking as professional as they used to? Well....one word: I don't have time. I used to take all my photos with my SLR camera, edit them in Adobe Lightroom and then put them on my blog. Now days, I still take a lot of photos but they are with my phone, which is an excellent camera but not SLR! Oh well, the memories are still there, maybe just not the photo quality.
Today I took the boys outside to play (a common occurrence around here). The thought came to me that it is logistically impossible to have 2 toddlers, yet somehow they haven't been hit by a car, fallen down stairs, or fallen off of a counter. When other adults stop and want to chat in the park, it is almost comical at how bad of a conversationalist I have become, due to the constant motion the boys are in. One kid under your arm, the other one plunging off the slide, someone bumps their head and is now crying, one starts to run toward the street while the other starts climbing the jungle gym alone. I mean insanity at it's best. Church is a 3 hour chase-two-kids-through-the-halls session. My house constantly looks like tornado alley and every evening when we are cleaning up the living room I wonder if we should wait to clean up for a few years and just embrace the chaos. I crave a life of organization and order, where I can find the things I need in the house. I have pinned (on Pinterest) hundreds of ideas on organization. I guess I will have that organized life one day. I will have my house in order, smelling lovely, and my kitchen floor will stay clean for a few days. But ya know what, I have a feeling I will miss the sound of little feet running across that dirty floor. I will miss sitting in the middle of our toy-covered living room holding my babies snuggled in a blanket. I don't think I will regret putting all my free time in to my family. Organization can wait, those sweet growing kids can't.

Lessons

Even with my slackish blogging (or just lack of blogging) our children still continue to grow, I just can't stop it as hard as I try.
It seems our world is always changing, continually taking us on adventures that surprise us. Recently, I was made a nursing supervisor at work. It's been a really good learning experience for me and created opportunities for me to grow as a nurse and a person. The responsibility of running a whole floor makes for busy shifts, which makes my days off even more enjoyable.
I consider myself so lucky and humbled to be a part of so many lives as a nurse. Recently, through some really poignant experiences, I am reminded how quickly life can change. I see people pass away in my line of work. Some elderly, who have lived long lives, others are far too young and unexpected. A good while ago, I was taking care of a young mother who was terminally ill. One evening when I walked in to find her embracing her son while he sobbed in her arms, it suddenly hit me: Why do I ever take anything for granted? This young mother may have had the opportunity to say goodbye but that is not always the case. I should hug my kids that tight, with that much pure love every day. Since that day I have not let one day pass without feeling true gratitude in my heart for living. I breathe the morning air in and think of how thankful I am for each breath. I look at every silly grin my kids make and feel thankful I am with them. I say a prayer of gratitude for my husband and what a best friend and phenomenal father he is. I am thankful for everyday, and I will never ever forget the lesson this young mother taught me.

"I have a feeling"

While the five of us are driving in the car, Kayla leans forward from the back seat and says, thoughtfully: "Dad, mom, Sometimes I have a feeling I might be a real princess." Sean and I smile at each other. Sean: "Kayla, I think you might be right."

While the whirl of my busy life seems to continue on, I have been looking at things differently. Attempting to establish more inner balance and connection to the earth (okay yeah, I am sort of a hippy.) But I only have one chance to live this life and I want to enjoy it. On my days off, we take a drive, take the kids to the children's museum, go to the snowboard shop, go for a walk, play in the snow. I think when I see people pass away and leave bewildered family members behind, I start to realize how quickly things can change. Every day I spend with my family is a gift. Sitting on the floor playing with the kids in my pajamas is never time wasted. I found the above photo of Kayla from when she was only a couple of days old. It cracks me up. Sassy from birth.
With my brood, there is no denying my hands are full but my heart is too.
Enjoying these little monkeys before they are grown.